MAN IN BLACK: Welcome once again, friends, to another exciting… Tale from the Borderlands!!! Starring that cunning, curvaceous Camilla of combat… Lilith J Leapomeyer! When we last left our lovely leading lady, she was having some difficulty keeping her most recent manservant, Brick, in one place for any period of time. Ditching the fleet-footed fool at the first sleazy bar she could find, our habilable heroine enlisted the help of a young soldier by the name of Roland. Join them now as they discover mystery, excitement, and danger in... The Trials of the Painted Queen!
LILITH: Roland! It appears we’ve stumbled upon some sort of underground arena. No doubt its nefarious, nacreous neophile of a proprietor has some diabolical intentions in store for any who wander into this place. We should be careful and not-
ROLAND: GET SOME! … muffins
LILITH: … make any loud noises. Look, if I promise to get you some muffins once we get out of here, will you promise to be quiet? I get the feeling that we are being watch-
THE PAINTED QUEEN: Ha ha ha ha! Welcome travelers to my fabulous UNDERDOME OF PAIN! Do you like what I’ve done with the place?
LILITH: Well I’ve never been here before so I can’t really make a fair comparison, but I think you might have gone a bit overboard with the-
ROLAND: CLASHING THEMES!
Our dashing damsel strikes down her foolish foes with her superbly surreal subgun skills
LILITH: ... yes. I could have phrased it better, and with less volume, but I feel my concise compatriot has hit the nail on the-
TPQ: Silence you fools! For insulting my impeccable sense of décor, you must now face… the Trials of the Painted Queeeeeeennnnnnnn! Survive and I may let you leave here alive…
LILITH: But if we survive the trials then doesn’t that mean that we’re already-
TPQ: Attack them my pretties!
MAN IN BLACK: From out-of-nowhere, a pack of perverse, preposterous pygmies attack our heroes, leaving them little time to formulate a plan of attack.
LILITH: Ok Roland, I want you to head left and draw their attention; meanwhile I’ll engage my Extra Planar Saunter technique to sneak around behind them and-
ROLAND: I LIKE KILLING!
Our vocally vexed veteran, Roland, once managed to slay a swarm of spiderants and only lost one toe!
MAN IN BLACK: With this war cry, Roland charges at the labrose, lanate Lilliputians and valiantly begins shooting them. Stunned for only a moment by this strange sight, our heroine engages her Extra Planar Saunter technique and maneuvers her way behind the bevy of bantams to launch a surprise sneak attack. Against such an incredible force, the diminutive disputants quickly fall.
LILITH: Well done Roland! It seems these so-called “trials” are more like an exercise in my patience. I guess we’ll be getting out of-
TPQ: Ha ha ha ha ha! You oblivious obambulates! That was only the first round!
LILITH: Will someone please let me finish a sen-
TPQ: SECOND ROUND… GOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MAN IN BLACK: Will our heroes manage to make it out of the trials alive? Will Roland ever get those provocative, piquant pastries that he pines for? Will our hesychastic heroine of the homomerous hair ever be allowed to finish a complete thought? Tune in next time for another exciting and death defying… TALE FROM THE BORDERLANDS!!!!