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Fun With Press Releases or OMG NEW BOX ART for TWO WORLDS 2!!!
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Fun With Press Releases or OMG NEW BOX ART for TWO WORLDS 2!!!

Hi there, loyal Co-Optimus readers.  Occasionally, we get a real gem of a press release.  The latest comes from our friends at Southpeak, who are diligently working on Two Worlds Two.  Normally, press releases are rather dry, but this one goes above and beyond in an attempt to get our attention.  Here is how it begins:

Hello, lights of my life!  <3 It’s your favourite ginger/scary PR wackjob, here to violate the restraining order that many of you have misguidedly taken out on me to bring you fresh news about Two Worlds II and calm your nerves that I have not succumbed to the taint or my in-laws or a pumpkin pie overdose.

Of course she's a wackjob, as is anyone else who spells favorite with a 'u'.  Further reading reveals that there is new box art available for Two Worlds Two.  Now, I like a good box art news as well as the next guy, but I don't know if a press release is really necessary.  Then it gets weird.

-as a mage, you can literally create a huge effing army of gigantic spiders to fight/tank/c*ckblock for you.  Putting points in the summoning mage skill lets you summon up to 10 creatures for your swarming horde!  WTF!  Also, when you change out the elemental-modifier card in the spell amulet, it changes the summon to different creatures – so far I’ve seen Werewolves, Demonic warriors, spiders (my personal favourite) and even BEES!  BEES, PEOPLE!  OMG!!!!11 /dies

-putting points into your archery skills and equipping yourself with a badass bow and quiver allows you to take out entire camps of varns  (jackal dudes) sniper style, and it’s goddamn amazing!  THE CLUB CANT EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOWWWW

-and finally, if you create a character leaning more towards warrior, go for lances as your weapon of choice.  OMG SPINNING ATTACK OF DEATH!!!! :[

I don't care what game this if for, I am buying it. She goes on to talk about some troubling commitment issues.

Personally, I have some severe in-game commitment issues and absolutely no chances to redeem myself of this affliction and could not choose between any of these classes.  So I’m basically doing all three. :P  I JUST CANT DECIDE OH GOD WHY.

Awesome.  She's losing her mind right in front of us.  She finishes up with a reminder of the release date and the available platforms, as well as some other pertinent information.

Two Worlds II, developed by my long lost Polish cousins or brothers or sexy manservants or whatevs at Reality Pump, will be available on January 25th, 2011, for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and Games for Windows.

That's how you do it, friends.