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Shrimpers Forever Volume Two: Fresh Faces
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Shrimpers Forever Volume Two: Fresh Faces

Reddened cheeks as far as the eye can see.

We hope you folks have been enjoying our weekly Tuesday/Thursday stream (8:00 pm EST, sharp) of Shrimpers Forever. Enoch and I are more than happy to keep narrating this hilariously stupid saga as Southend United aims to top the charts of the Premier League. 

It was a great week for Real Life Southend as they secured a spot in League One on Saturday. Any lower league team aims for promotion, and we're happy for the Blues to be moving up in the ranks.

Meanwhile, Chester McSlappy and his rag tag crew of fools are trying their best to achieve promotion in the virtual world. So here we are, back in FIFA 15 land to watch the Shrimpers fight against cruel tide of football.

First, let's get you acquainted with some of our more notable characters:

Chester McSlappy - Manager: Hailing form Northern Ireland, Manager McSlappy honors his clan by smacking people as frequently as possible. Whether his intention is punishment, motivation, or just genuine excitement, he'll be decked out in his trademark tracksuit, wailing on the reddened cheeks of players and fans alike. Also, for some reason as of yet unexplained by science, he consistently hovers three inches above the ground. It's never really given him a definite advantage, and since he can't ever turn it off, it's pretty inconvenient. 

Barry "Beredith" Corr - Striker: The Avatar of Soccer given physical form and placed into a 29 year old body. Corr's form may have deteriorated as his corporeal form ages, but he's still the most unstoppable force in Southend United, which is why he spends so much time in the hospital. However, once technology reaches a point where we can tap Corr's goal scoring potential, mankind can finally achieve its longtime dream of harvesting all the soccer points in the universe for our own use. 

Sunil Chhetri - Striker: A new addition to the Shrimper's Crew, Chhetri is half human, one quarter Bull Mastiff, and one quarter something else.

Jack Payne - Center Attacking Midfielder: A 13 year old middleschool student we pulled out of Southend High, his wages consist entirely of Lunchables. His face looks like a cross between a neanderthal and a tire iron, and he's got a massive crush on the girl from his math class. The smallest (and most adorable) member of our squad.

Han Kook Young - Center Defensive Midfielder: Han Kook Young is a new hire for the Shrimpers, and he refuses to use personal pronouns. Instead, he merely refers to himself in the third person using his entire name. For instance, "I'm open!" would translate into "Please pass Han Kook Young the ball, for Han Kook Young is without challenge." He is also very polite.

If you haven't been checking in on the Tues-Thurs stream, we've got the videos archived for you! 

Here's our second episode of us stepping into the mysteriously levitating shoes of Chester McSlappy.

Southend rolls on through its final friendly of the season, only to leap into the icy depths of League 2. Also, unemployed soccer players have no clue what money is actually worth. Many would rather continue squatting in dumpsters than accept a pitiful $5,000 a week to play for us.


(Friendly) VS Envigado FC - 3:55
VS Accrington Stanley - 26:40
(Capital One Cup) VS Bury - 50:40
VS Carlisle United - 1:18:35

Episode Three sees our heroes still diving head first into the Free Agents pool, rifling through the leavings of the other teams. But hey! Barry Corr recovers from his life-threatening injury sustained during the pre-season to scorch the earth with his radiance.


VS Exeter City - 4:35
VS Dagenham - 28:55
VS Yeovil Town - 50:05
VS Mansfield Town - 1:09:30

Episode Four introduces Shrimpers fans the world 'round to Han Kook Young, though his influence might not echo to the corners of the universe just yet. We also learn just how far the once mighty Blackpool has fallen. Wee Jack Payne finally gets his, as well.


(Capital One Cup) VS Blackpool - 4:35
VS Bury - 29:50
VS Tranmere Rovers - 50:50
VS Cambridge Utd - 1:8:55

We've been having a blast streaming Shrimpers Forever for all of you fans of football, co-op games, or those of you who might love our idiotic banter. Come join us every Tuesday and Thursday at 8:00 pm EST. Give us some pointers, talk about our team, or just come in and hang out. Let's craft a narrative together for the ages.